The Great Double-Bar

I am a musician.

And as a musician, I too often wonder what happens to us when we die. Fortunately, I found those answers for myself and would like to share my learning with you. I basically have the whole Bible memorized, and I'm pretty sure there's a book in there somewhere between Nehemiah and Habukkuk called Eugene VanDoren's Beginners Guide to the Afterlife. Or something like that.

In the Book of Eugene, it states that all musicians must someday die, be it starvation from poorness or fatal spit inhalation. Even the greatest musicians must someday reach the great Fine. The big Double Bar of life (Hindus get a Repeat Sign).

On the journey to Musician Heaven, there are many stops along the way, for there are many sorts of musicians. If these musicians have been good their whole lives and played for charity banquets and practiced every day and never been late for rehearsal, they shall be rewarded for their faithfulness in the afterlife.

But all musicians will finally reach those Pearly Gates that are specially set aside for those who have devoted their lives to their instrument. 

The book of Eugene states that "every musician shall be rewarded in his own right in the life to come, yea, from the piccolo down to the contrabass tuba. For the woodwinds shall finally find the perfect reed..."

"...and behold, the brass shall receive their reward, and their ranges will increase tenfold."

"Even  the string players shall be blessed to gain new bows strung with the hair of unicorns, which shall never break and shall never fray, and needs no rosin, forever and ever."

"Yea, the percussionists shall be placed in the front of the ensemble, where all may see and marvel at their skills."

But as with regular people, there are those musicians that were not so good in their lives. Perhaps they never practiced, or maybe they did unspeakable things like missing a concert or dropping their horn off a truck. Whatever the sin, these abominable musicians will be punished in the days to come in their own special musician hell. When their time comes, they take a different path. They will be forced to play for all eternity in the Devil's Ensemble.