What You See

Today as I was feebly attempting to become slightly less of a drain on society by registering for spring semester college classes, I took a moment to reflect on how incredibly tense I tend to get. The most minor stress sends me over the edge, but often I don't show it all that much. Sure, I may get irritated, and perhaps I have a habit if talking really, reeeeally loud when I'm distressed, but that's nothing compared to what's going on inside. You may be seeing this:

But inside you'd be getting this:

The real danger, however, shows up when I'm in legitimate doo-doo. That tends to be much, MUCH more terrifying.

10 Ways to...

It seems to me that, so often in life, there are troubling situations that we wish someone would simply tell us how to escape. Fortunately for you, I have the solution to all your problems. Today, we learn ten ways to avoid a nasty breakup using carefully practiced aversion techniques.

Number One: Don't start a relationship.

In much the same way as abstinence is the best birth control, the only surefire way of getting out of a bad breakup is not having someone to break up with. Apparently there are drawbacks to not being in a relationship, but from what I can tell, the benefits far outweigh the risks.
Ratings are as follows...
Effectiveness: 6/5
Mercy: 5/5
Practicality: 5/5

Number Two: Fake your death.

Perhaps your significant other will suffer immeasurable grief for a while, but that won't be your problem any more! This one would be kind of difficult to pull off though, and you can't exactly selectively fake your death. You're either dead to everyone or you're dead to no one.
Effectiveness: 3/5
Mercy: 3/5
Practicality: 2/5

Number Three: Actually die.

It could be a car accident or armed robbery, either way you get to taste sweet freedom again. Not only that, this method has the added benefit of freeing you from taxes, nasty relatives, sucky jobs, and school. However, a drawback to this method is the whole part where you're dead.
Effectiveness: 5/5
Mercy: 3/5
Practicality: 1/5

Number Four: Have a horrifying and contagious disease.

"Honey, I just thought you should know, I just got back from the doctor and I found out I have cholera. Also ebola." I tell you right now, it works every time! I'd like to see you convincing someone that you still want to kiss them when you are fairly certain that doing so will result in your slow and incredibly uncomfortable death. Some horrifying virus suggestions include ebola, herpes, mono, etc.
Effectiveness: 4/5
Mercy: 4/5
Practicality: 4/5

Number Five: Become less attractive.

Not only does this method rid you of that obnoxious tagalong you can't seem to shake, but it also gives you the opportunity to stop wasting time on manners, grooming, and hygiene! Now you have far more time to do more important things, like become a Twi-hard, collecting cats, or extensive scrapbooking.

Effectiveness: 3/5

Mercy: 3/5

Practicality: 2/5

Number Six: Talk about babies all the time.

Nothing scares off a commitment-phobic young man like talk of settling down and starting a family. The execution is simple enough, all you have to do is let out a longing sigh every time you pass a mother and baby in the park, look at baby clothes when you're together at the mall, talk about what your children would look like if you reproduced, pick out names, things like that. Do it enough and it's sure to drive him insane, even if he didn't mind the idea of children in the first place.
Effectiveness: 3/5
Mercy: 4/5
Practicality: 4/5

Number Seven: Get a pet that he's horribly allergic to.

The best part of this option is that once you've chased away your dead weight, you have a furry new friend to keep you company in the days to come! Perhaps a very, very, VERY furry friend, depending on how long you want it to take for your man to give up on the relationship or get hospitalized, whichever comes first.
Effectiveness: 4/5
Mercy: 2/5
Practicality: 4/5

Number Eight: Become really, really high maintenance.

This option could take a short time or a long time, depending on whether your man leaves because he's tired of buying crap for you, or he runs out of money. Of course, there is always the possibility that it could NOT end up working, but if that were to happen, at least you end up with a constant source of presents.
Effectiveness: 3/5
Mercy: 2/5
Practicality: 5/5

Number Nine: Become a nun.

If you're the religious type, more power to you. But at least if you become a nun, he has God to deal with.
Effectiveness: 4/5
Mercy: 4/5
Practicality: 3/5

Number Ten: ...magic.

Hey, it worked for those princesses! Well, it worked in reverse. I'm sure it goes both ways, though.
Effectiveness: 5/5
Mercy: 2/5
Practicality: 1/5

Plans for Nigel: Origins

Hello my dear friends, family, and internet strangers! Warmest of greetings from both myself and my dear friend Nigel, the most wonderful hamster ever to scurry the earth. Yes, we two mammal-buddies have all sorts of delightfully mediocre adventures between the two of us. We don't often get to hang out all that much, what with me feebly attempting to scrounge for a living all day and Nigel being primarily nocturnal, but it's still basically a party every day. I am often mocked by my friends by having a chubby rodent for a best friend, but for a while I lived by myself in a little house and Nigel was my only companion. I still remember the day I very first got him...

It was late spring, early summerish. I had been house-sitting for a neighbor while she was finding a new house across the country, and for the first part of my stay I was responsible for taking care of her two cats, Mir Mir and Nala. After a couple months, Mir Mir died of kitty cancer and Nala went to live elsewhere shortly after. I was all alone in this little house with no one to talk to.

One day when I was incredibly bored, I decided to go for a little walk. Being the naturally spontaneous (attention deficit) person that I am, this little walk pretty quickly led me to a nearby trailhead and onto a four hour hike. Now, the sign at the beginning of the trail said to allow yourself three hours or so to complete the hike. Certainly this time allotment had taken into account slower hikers, photography addicts, families with children, the elderly, and the infirm. A fit young adult could complete the hike in maybe half that. Unfortunately, the considerate sign-people had neglected to consider stupid people such as myself, whose expert navigational skills rival those of a deaf bat. It took me until I was quite thoroughly stranded on the side of a mountain hundreds of feet above a highway to realize that perhaps I had strayed from the original trail a bit.

Realizing that the trail had forked a while back and I had taken the path that led down, logic dictated that to get to the trail, I should head straight up the side of the mountain. Down wasn't exactly an option, since it was the sort of down that would happen very quickly and have somewhat messy results. Therefore, up it was. I found a fallen tree and started to climb upward toward the roots. By the time I reached the top, I was truly a sight to behold.

After a few more hours of stumbling blindly through the woods singing Irish drinking songs at the top of my lungs, I managed to stagger out of the wilderness and straight into the middle of a family outing. 

The startled mother informed me upon inquiry that it was about 15 more minutes to the trailhead. I thanked the gracious lady and started back into my rendition of "Whiskey in the Jar". Eventually, I got to the canyon and called my parents to come get me. On the way home, I pondered the consequences of my adventure, and eventually I came to the conclusion that to reward myself for surviving in the wilderness for hours, I needed a furry friend.

                                                  

Later, at the pet store, I was determined to buy myself a mouse, but when I walked past the hamster cage, the cutest hamster ever in the world caught my eye. He was so little and fluffy and precious and ginger and just so adorable I couldn't resist! The pet store lady woke him up and got him out of the cage for me to hold. there in her hands, the cutest little hamster opened his eyes and looked up at me. "Now," said the pet store lady, "Sometimes it freaks people out when hamsters have red eyes." I said, "Oh, it doesn't bother me tha--"

                                        

It was at that point I decided that the cutest hamster in the world ever wasn't really the hamster for me, so I settled on his scrappy little brother. Little did I know, that day was the day I bought one of the best and tiniest

friends I would ever have this entire year so far.