Babies Are Gross

Confession time again.

This may not come as a huge surprise to some (most) people, but I don't like babies. Like at all.

At first it was kind of a background little quirky thing that I liked to play up, but the older I've gotten and the closer to actual childbearing time, the more I've realized that I really actually can't stand babies, and I definitely can't stand children.

Even as a child myself, I harbored a certain disdain for kids. 

I don't know what it is... maybe there's some broken piece of my psyche that makes it so I don't react correctly to the sound of a crying baby, or the smell of baby head. Perhaps I actually have cancer and there's a tumor right in the drive-to-reproduce center of my brain. Maybe I am just one of those people that doesn't like children. 

I mean, don't get me wrong, it's not like I hate babies and I want to abolish all reproduction on the earth. It's not like I want other people to not have kids. Heck, other people can have all the kids they want, as long as they don't expect me to touch them or interact with them in any way ever. 

Here's the solid truth, though:

• I don't think babies are that cute. They're all pink and naked and poopy and they don't even have tails or whiskers.

• I have no desire to ever have a baby, let alone raise it to adulthood. It's just not my jam.

• No, I don't want to hold your baby. That's great that you made one, now don't let it puke on me.

• I don't feel like I need to reproduce to be fulfilled in life or to be a "real woman." In fact, I feel like having kids would prevent me from being fulfilled.

Now, before you all freak out and start secretly being ashamed to know me, just know that I've heard it all before. My life is a never-ending barrage of "Oh, just you wait, once that biological clock starts ticking..."

I'll admit it, I do tend to talk about babies a lot. But it's mostly because I think the things I say are funny sometimes, and also I sort of feel the need to convince everyone in the world that I'm really serious about not wanting babies. The problem is, sometimes my protestations cause people to think that I'm secretly covering up my deep-down longing to have a billion offspring.

I'm not. 

And so, here is my response to some of the more common arguments I run into:

"What if your child is, like, the next Mother Theresa?"

Firstly, were I to reproduce, I'm fairly certain none of my offspring would end up Catholic, let alone nuns. And secondly, my children could just as easily end up Hitler. Not that I would raise them to be evil or anything, but I'm not exactly a great example of good-person-itude, and also there's only so much nurturing you can do before you run into the whole nature bit. My children won't necessarily be magically nice or smart or good. Plus, I have a genetic history of mental illness.

"Yeah, but you always said you weren't going to get married either."

Getting married and having a child are two very different things. Yes, I'll admit that I was pretty sure I wasn't the marrying type, and honestly I'm still not sure I would describe myself as wifely. Some of Daniel's students called me "Mrs. Winsor" the other day, and it took me like ten minutes to realize they were referring to me, and then it made me feel all weird inside. If anyone ever called me "Mommy" I'd probably puke on them. Plus getting married to Daniel hasn't made me throw up every day or destroyed my body beyond repair or taken up every millisecond of my time. Okay sure, I've gotten a bit pudgy, but I could fix that. Plus, if something terrible were to happen and (heaven forbid) Daniel and I didn't want to be married anymore, we have that option. Not that we would ever get divorced, but you can't divorce a child. 

"It's a commandment! God said we must multiply and replenish the earth!"

Pretty sure he meant "we" as a species, not me personally. And also I think the breeders of the world have that about covered and a half. Frankly, I think we could replenish the earth more easily if we multiplied less. Overpopulation is a real thing, people.

"It's different when they're your own children."

Maybe it is, but that's not a risk I'm willing to take. What if I have a baby and find out that I hate it? What then? There isn't exactly a return policy on those.

"But you were so cute when you were a baby! Your babies would be adorable."

There is no way to know that! Attractive people have ugly babies all the time. Daniel and I could easily make a baby that is a combination of both of our most unfortunate traits, even if we both were beautiful babies. I always worry that if we were to have an ugly baby, either I wouldn't realize that my baby was ugly and everyone would talk about it behind my back, or I would realize how ugly it was, and I'd have to live with the fact that I thought my baby was ugly. Also, even if we had a freaking Gerber model for a baby, I still don't think babies are cute, so that's irrelevant.

"You're so awesome, though. People like you should reproduce so there are more of you."

Once again, I will refer to the nature/nurture argument. Sure, kids do tend to take after their parents in some ways, but there's no telling how they'll end up. I could spend 18 years teaching my kids to be awesome, and they could still suck. Besides, if you think I'm so great, why don't you train your own offspring to be more like me? I'll write a guidebook or something if that helps.

"But your parents will want grandchildren!"

I have two sisters, two sisters-in-law, and two brothers-in-law. That is a total of six perfectly healthy siblings that are totally capable of reproduction. Neither my parents nor my in-laws are lacking in options. Besides, I opted to change my name when I got married, so it's not like I would be carrying on the family name at all. And Daniel has two brothers, so they can take care of that side of things.

"How will you ever be fulfilled knowing that you don't have children to carry on your legacy?"

As I mentioned earlier, I almost sort of feel like reproducing will prevent me from being fulfilled. I don't like children and I don't want to have children, so if I had children just because I let friends/family/society pressure me into doing so, I will most likely end up resenting them for the rest of forever. Plus, I would much rather be remembered for my OWN contributions to society, rather than for being the vessel for the creation of someone else who contributed to society. Alexander Fleming's mom didn't discover penicillin, and Marie Curie's mother didn't win a Nobel prize.

"You'll change your mind eventually. Watch, I bet you have a baby in like two years."

You know what? Maybe I will change my mind. Maybe I won't. Right now, I really really do not want kids, and it is none of your business to tell me otherwise. If you said you didn't want to go skydiving, I wouldn't sit there and say "You don't really mean that. How can you even know if you've never tried it? Maybe you have a crippling fear of heights, but everyone has to go skydiving eventually, or you mean nothing as a person." 

Once again, I'd like to reiterate that I don't have a problem with other people who have had children or would like to do so. I feel for those women who do want children but aren't able to have babies of their own. If I could trade reproductive organs with you, I would do it in a heartbeat. Children aren't for everyone, and it's sad that some women want them but aren't able to have them, but that doesn't mean I'm a bad person for not wanting them. Some people are allergic to shellfish, but that doesn't mean that I am heartless for not liking it even if I could eat it if I wanted to. 

A lot of my friends are married these days, and a few of them are thinking about babies themselves. I will gladly support them in their desire to procreate, but that doesn't mean I want my own babies, or even that I really want to touch theirs. I am just the kind of person who looks at little baby clothes and thinks "That would look so cute on my cat!"

Lastly, I don't want to have children because they are SO EXPENSIVE. 

Soon, Daniel will get his degree in Music Education. I think that's amazing and great, and I gladly support him in his desire to do something he loves and share the wonders of music with youth. However, anyone who knows anything knows that teaching music isn't exactly one of the top paying careers in the world. 

I only have an associates degree in general studies right now, which is basically the equivalent of graduating high school twice but paying $24,000 for the second time. Maybe someday I will go back to school and earn another degree, but it is reeeeeally difficult to go to school if you have a baby. Plus, even if I did get a big-kid degree, holding down a career and raising children is tough for women. I could never do the stay at home mom thing, because I would go crazy, but daycare is hugely expensive too.

A recent report from the U.S. Department of Agriculture shows that the average cost of raising a child in a middle-income family to the age of 18 in the U.S. is 

$241,080/child

If you break that down, it's would be almost

$13,400/year

and as much as

$1,120/month

That is enough to buy...

A new 128GB iPad Air every 3 weeks.

A Disney Caribbean cruise every 4 months.

A brand new Chevy Camaro every 2 years.

A bachelor's degree (for two people) from the University of Utah every 4 years.

A decently sized houseboat every 6 years.

As for myself, I'd rather have the time and money.