I Am Talented

I've always been kind of disappointed that I wasn't the best at something...

I mean, obviously everyone can't always be the best because it takes mediocrity to offset excellence, but it wouldn't hurt to be at least kind of awesome at something.

I can draw alright, and I'm okay at writing words and stuff. And I've played piano for a long time, but I don't really play well enough to ever accompany anyone or perform in front of people. I can cook adequate food, and I have passable sewing skills, but I could never be an expert chef or seamstress. 

Recently, however, I realized that to be the best at something, I just need to invent my own thing to be the best at! 

I recently discovered a unique talent that I'm certain will get me far in this life...

I'm sure you all know what onomatopoeia is. In case you didn't, here is a refresher course:

on·o·mat·o·poe·ia

  [on-uh-mat-uh-pee-uh, ‐mah-tuh‐]

noun

1.

the formation of a word, as cuckoo, meow, honk,  or boom,  by imitation of a sound made by or associated with its referent.

Onomatopoetry is a new form of art invented by me, and the leading artist in the field is, of course, me. Someday I will become super fancy and rich and have gallery showings of framed works, and people will pay hundreds of thousands of dollars for one of my pieces, so you will definitely want to remember this post. It's going to go down in history. The Wikipedia article about me will probably refer to this post in the section under "Early Works." 

(Fun fact, if you search Wikipedia for "Jackie Winsor" you will find a professional artist, but it's not me.)

So, without further ado, here are some of my latest works of onomatopoetry, in no particular order.

I know you're all thinking "Why is there a puma in your Stow-and-Go?" 

This is my original work of onomatopoetry, and it was based on a conversation I had with my father at work after he lost his cake platter.  (Comments in brackets added after the fact.)

Father: So is that your cake plate down in the break room, or is it mine?

Me: That's mine, haha.

Father: Or is it?

I mean, what cake plate?

Me: Gasp!

I feel like...

When was the last time you used it?

It was for donuts, right?

Father: Yeah, I think so.

Me: It's definitely in Rachel's room. Yup.

Father: Yeah, I suspected.

Me: Or in Bingley's [the van's] vast storage crevasses. 

Father: Uh...

Me: Wherein lurk many pumas. [if you don't get this joke, watch this video]

Father: I thought I heard noises last time I drove Bingley.

Me: Were they "row-ROWR!" noises?

Because that's what pumas sound like.

Not cake plates, though.

Father: I don't remember ever getting pumas and cake plates mixed up. That could be dangerous, you know.

Me: "There are some cupcakes right over there on the AAAAH!"

Father: Exactly. Worst kids' birthday party ever.

Also, I must compliment you on your phonetic spelling of a puma roar. I can totally hear it.

Me: (takes bow)

I'm a professional onomatopoet. 

Father: I... you... cool!

This work was inspired this summertime while watching the fireworks with some friends, and a woman parked near us had a stupid car. She eventually tried to turn it off, but that just made the car alarm go off for realsies, and we about had to shut it off with all the crowbars and golf clubs I keep in my trunk for emergencies.

Bullying is never acceptable, and it breaks my heart to watch defenseless underdogs have their authority stomped upon by someone or someones that think they're better just because they're bigger or louder or wealthier. Determined to stop the bullying, I described to my mother in detail the montage of me teaching someone to be tough, and thus was created this work of art.

This one just happened. And I was inspired.

There you have it, folks! The first work in what I hope will become a rather large collection of famous art. If you witnessed (or heard) something inspiring or remarkable, let me know and I will definitely compose a custom work of art for you.

Since I'm not quite famous yet, bidding starts at only $12,000.