We Continue To Be Married

American Gothic, cartoon Jackie-and-Dan style

This day, Daniel and I have been married for half an entire year. 

So, two things...

First thing! Now that I'm a grown-up adult in a grown-up adult relationship with a... husband... I've learned a lot of things about what matters and what doesn't really.

Things that matter: Love, compassion, understanding, family, self-reliance, education, growing.

Things that don't matter: Material possessions, image, grudges, month-iversaries. 

For realsies though, now that I'm married and it's forever, rather than a high school boyfriend who may or may not be around in a week or a month or a year, months don't matter. Years barely matter. I mean, I can see why we would celebrate an ANNiversary every year. It's a commemoration of the event that began our marriage, much like a birthday or national holiday. Maybe it's a newlywed thing (actually I'm sure it is, because I haven't seen any old people celebrating their 604-month-iversaries) but I just can NOT understand it. Sure, it's nice to think about your marriage and how your life has changed for the better, but I don't think it necessarily warrants a Facebook post or even full on celebration.

Today, to celebrate our semi-anniversary, Daniel and I ate beef stew and hung out in our pajamas, like we do pretty much every day. Frankly, that's better to me than going out for a fancy dinner or taking a vacation or getting each other gifts for a day that doesn't even really mean more than other days.

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with celebrating your month-iversaries, I just can't understand it.

Would you celebrate your child's age in months?

Second thing! Congratulations.

Webster's Dictionary defines "congratulations" as follows:

con·grat·u·la·tion (n): a message telling someone that you are happy because of his or her success or good luck.

Now, let's look at some instances in which it is appropriate to congratulate someone...

"I finally got the promotion I've been waiting for!"

"Congratulations!"

(Success)

"My wife had the baby last week! It was a tough pregnancy but totally worth it."

"Oh, congratulations! That's great!"

(Success)

"You'll never believe what I just found out! The arrow missed all my vital organs!"

"Hooray, congratulations!"

(Good Luck)

"I became the most powerful plantation owner in all of Farmville!"

"...congratulations?"

(Success... I guess)

Here are some instances in which it would not be so appropriate to congratulate someone...

"I saw this weird dog on the way to work today. It was like a mastiff but with wiener dog legs."

"Congratulations!"

(Just an observation)

"Man, my mom is coming over this weekend and she always brings her stupid teenage boyfriend."

"Oh, wow, congratulations!"

(That doesn't mean anything. Unless maybe you're congratulating the mom. In which case, you're gross.)

"It's been six months since that horrible tornado destroyed our trailer park."

"Congratulations, bro!"

(Just marking the passing of time)

That last one there is how I feel about people congratulating people on their anniversaries... Like, I can understand congratulating someone on the wedding itself. Weddings are hard work, and they are the result of a lot of combined success and good luck. 

But, personally, I don't think it should be luck to stay married for a year, or ten years, or fifty years. I don't even really think it should be considered a success to just... stay married. Sure, these days lasting marriages are a bit of a rarity, and that's unfortunate. But I feel like we shouldn't be surprised when someone's marriage stands the test of time. At the very least, we should be relieved. But I think we should learn to start expecting marriages to last ten or twenty or a hundred years.

So perhaps a more appropriate response would be something along the lines of...

"My wife and I have been married for 25 years next week!"

"That's awesome, man. I hope you have many more wonderful years together."

"Today is our fifth anniversary!"

"That's sweet! I'm glad you guys are happy."

"It's our first anniversary today!"

"Happy anniversary, you two! It just gets better from here."

Anywho. Yes, I realize that technically it is acceptable to congratulate someone on their anniversary. This is just what I think, and you can take it or leave it. 

(steps off soapbox)

The Only Pets I Have

First off, let me preface this post by apologizing. I realize it's been a while since I posted, but stuff got in the way, you know? Stuff like... being lazy.

Anywho.

It's been a little over four months since Radagast tragically passed away for no good reason, and this is the longest I have ever gone without having a pet in my home. In order to make up for the gaping emptiness in my heart, I've tried to replace my beloved pets with borrowed pet store kittens, secretly pretending Daniel is my pet, and watching tons of YouTube videos of sugar gliders, kitties, and hamsters playing dead.

However, the best pets I've found to nurture and focus all my attention on are my vast collection of pet peeves. Everyone has them, as much as anyone might try to deny it. Here are just a few of the ones that bug me the most:

1. Fishy Handshakes

I've always prided myself on having a firm, authoritative handshake. I shake the hands of prominent businessmen, and they're like, "Man! This woman obviously is a confident, intelligent, successful person who deserves a position of leadership, if not just a raise!"

But there are people in this world who don't appreciate the value of a good, strong handshake. I think the worst example of this is a particular doctor (whom I shan't name), whose hands were not only limp and wiggly, but also cold and clammy. Erghhh. I actually made my next appointment with said doctor's office during a time she would be on vacation, just to avoid shaking her hand.

2. Those Idiots Who Do This Thing

The following diagram represents a particular traffic maneuver that I see FAR TOO OFTEN these days, and for which my own father was once given a ticket. 

The blue car is me, obeying the law. The red car is a representation of every jerk on the road that pulls this nonsense. If you do this... I hate you.

Sorry Dad.

Fig. 1: Waiting at the intersection to turn left. We both have to get to a place on the far right side of the road fairly soon after the intersection.

Fig. 2: See that?! See what he did there?! That's illegal, yeh jerk! Also, now I can't freaking get over because I obeyed the law. Thanks a lot, random stranger. Now I'm three seconds late for work because I had to flip a Uey.

3. Whoever Came Up With This Idea

Mmm, delicious Skittles. A tasty candy which I have long enjoyed. I like eating the purple ones and the green ones together, because it's like a lime rickey!

\

But what's this?! Something is terribly wrong here!

Not cool, bro.

4. Anyone Who Ever Says This

I can't tell you how many times A DAY I hear people use this phrase:

Why is this so widely accepted?! 

First of all, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is a real and terrible thing, and it's like walking around telling people that you're bipolar when you're just a moody butthead. There are people out there, possibly people you know, that suffer from anxiety disorders, and I'm sure they don't appreciate people belittling something they struggle with on a daily basis. 

And secondly...

4. Walking Through Spiderwebs 

Now, I don't say this because I'm particularly afraid of spiders. Sure, I think they have an unnecessary number of eyeballs and limbs, but they can't help that. Like the great philosopher Lady Gaga once stated, they were born that way.

However.

I don't appreciate whatever evil ninja spiders sneakily jump in and build little invisible webs REAL FAST when you aren't looking for three seconds.

Seriously, spiders. What innocent human being deserves to be walking along the street, or down some stairs, or even through their own house and suddenly be seized by one or more invisible, undetectable threads that stick all on your face and hands and eyelashes and you CAN'T GET THEM OFF.  

To further my research into the things that bother us, I asked a couple of other people about their pet peeves, and these were some of the good ones that I got:

5. People That Chew Like Cows

This one hits close to home with me, because I have a sister who always did this when we were children. And by children, I mean... teenagers. She'd walk up behind you while you were on the computer and chew right in your ear, or at the dinner table she'd smack and snarf while people were trying to have a conversation. 

Or, worst of all... she'd...

(shudder)

...fill in the sound effects for your own chewing, regardless of how closed your mouth might be.

6. People Who Pick Their Teeth In Public

Mouths are gross, people. I know I, personally, don't like to think about them any more than I have to. 

Toothpicks, in my opinion, should be hidden away in the dark recesses of the restrooms, where people can go into private stalls to do their business and not foist their dental hygiene habits on innocent bystanders.

As healthy as it is for me to seek out these little annoyances that bug people, sadly, my tablet battery died as I was drawing pictures. I'm way too lazy to go track down the charging cable right now, so you'll just have to enjoy the few that I've listed above.

As usual, I'm always open to suggestions for future blog posts. Heck, 60% of the work is thinking of something to write about. 30% is drawing the pictures while I'm pretending to pay attention in church, and the other 10% is busting out some words late at night to glue them all together. The more you guys think of stuff, the less work I have to do, and the more likely I am to churn out more posts. 

Also, you will note that the poll on my sidebar has changed. Perhaps not on a neat 2-week schedule like I had originally intended, but... uh... the element of chaos keeps it interesting!

Sunday is mine and Daniel's six months...iversary, so expect great things from that. And soon it will be my birthday, and I'm sure it's going to be an exciting one, so yay for that too. 

Until next time, my friends!