A Comprehensive Guide to Jackie's Hair

Since the early years of Cartoon Jackie, many different aspects of my person have changed drastically. 

From the beginning stages of primordial me, I lost the giant geeky glasses, my head got a little bigger, the feet and fingers went away, my facial features took a brief hiatus and came back as tiny eyes and huge mouth, and finally gained another dimension and leveled out as the magnificent creation you see before you today.

Throughout all these changes, however, one thing has stayed the same:

My ponytail.

Remember this movie?

Yeah, based on my life. Totally underrated, if you ask me. People just don't appreciate a good Scottish accent these days.

But I digress...

Anyone who has met me knows that my hair is my crowning glory. Naturally curly since birth (well, a couple of years after birth. I was bald for a long time), the foofy mass atop my head has gained a personality of its own. When I was in junior high, my friends joked that my ponytail contained mystical properties, additional storage space, or a second brain. By the time I was in high school, people were convinced that it was a symbiotic organism attached to my scalp.

These days, its favorite pastimes include getting stuck in my eyelashes, sucked up in seatbelts, rolled up in car windows, shut in doors, sat on, and zipped up in my jacket. It also enjoys crawling down Daniel's throat at night and grabbing people as they walk past my desk at work.

Sadly, for all the sentience my hair has gained over the years, it has never quite grasped the concept of language. Therefore, it has had to learn to communicate in its own way. The following is a Hair-to-English dictionary, for your reference.

What it Means: Why yes, I did shower today! I probably even used a blow dryer before I came to work (with a diffuser, of course).  It smells like roses and sunshine. It sure doesn't taste like it, though.

What it Means To You: Look, but don't touch. I know it's tempting, the curls are so boingy and it's probably soft like a duck. If you come anywhere near it, though, it will grab you, pull you in, and start digesting you like that island in The Life of Pi. Plus you'll make it all fuzzy and then it will look stupid, so thanks a lot. If I have it down over my face, I'm probably hiding from you, so leave me alone.

What it Means: It's been a long day, and I can only have my hair down for so long before it gets ridiculously hot or just tangled around everything in my immediate vicinity. The Ponytail is my natural state, so I will always revert to it after a while.

What it Means To You: Fine, you can play with my hair if you want. Heck, it's not my problem anymore, it's on the back of my head! But I still can't be held responsible if anything terrible happens to you. Plus, if my hair is contained in the good ol' PT, I'm probably in a decent mood and won't bite you or run away if you try to talk to me.

What it Means: Okay, yes. You caught me. I did sleep in this ponytail. I was probably up late and I slept through my alarm, so I may or may not have slept in this shirt too. 

What it Means To You: Grrrrrr. Grrrrrrrrr. Grr. Don't ask me hard questions or say things that annoy me. Also, don't sniff my hair at this point, because it most definitely does not smell like roses and sunshine anymore.

What it Means: Why yes, I did shower today! I probably even used a blow dryer, too. But it probably went horribly awry and my hair couldn't be seen in public, so I had to braid it for the safety of everyone around me. It could also mean that I'm going to bed, for similar safety reasons. 

What it Means To You: I probably had a stressful morning, so speak softly and don't make any sudden movements unless you want me to explode into hysteria.

What it Means: It has probably been way too many days since I've showered, and my hair is secretly dreadlocks under there. A bun is the only way to pretend that I kind of meant to do that.

What it Means To You: Please don't touch my hair. Don't touch me. Don't come near me. Don't ask me if I got punched in the face or are those just huge bags under my eyes. Don't ask me complicated questions or questions that you could have easily answered yourself. Don't talk to me, actually. Just let me sit here until it's tomorrow.

What it Means: Yeah, I had a few hours to kill and felt like holding hot things near my face for a couple of those hours. And yes, it's still me under there. I know you didn't recognize me at first.

What it Means To You: Feel free to stroke it lovingly, but only after I brush through it four or five times, because that's not something I can normally do. Also, don't ask me to raise my arms above my head or lift anything, because I just held a hot thing to my face for two hours. Please do not drink anything near me or mention the weather or think about moisture too loudly, because it was really hard to get it to stay straight.

What it Means: Yeah, I had maybe an hour or an hour and a half to kill, or maybe my arms got tired halfway through, or maybe I saw a picture of a raindrop. Whatever, man. I stopped caring.

What it Means To You: Don't tell me my hair is so straight, I know it's not. If you mention it my obsessive compulsive brain won't be able to stop thinking about the two wrinkled bits all day, and then I'll be ashamed of myself, so let's just all pretend nothing is different. 

What it Means: Someone else did my hair.

What it Means To You: Don't bother asking me how I did it, I don't know. I wish I did though, because a French braid would be the new Old Faithful, if it weren't for the fact that it's so hard to draw.