The Worst Thing I Ever Did

OK guys. Let's be serious here for a minute.

Today I want to talk about a couple things that everyone talks about, and I'm sure you've heard it a million times, but I'm going to say it all again, because I want everyone to know exactly how I feel. Most people are probably going to read this and kinda scoff and move on, but I hope that what I'm about to say can change some people's opinions for the better.

Today we're going to talk about not being a giant jerk.

As I'm sure all of you are aware, gay marriage recently became legal in Utah, which was hugely unexpected for everyone and has met with a LOT of media coverage and backlash. Utah is famous for being the "motherland" of the LDS religion, and is a notoriously red state. I myself have lived in Utah my whole life, and I was born and raised a Mormon. 

This is a story about how I learned an important lesson about morality.

It all started a long time ago when I was very young. I was in middle school, and I was probably in 6th or 7th grade, so I would have been about twelve-ish years old.

The nightmare began when a close friend of mine came out of the closet and announced that he was gay.

"Gasp!" thought my delicate pre-teen sensibilites, "But gay is wrong!"

Being the devout religious zealot that I was, I took it upon myself to set him straight, so to speak. That night, I went home and searched the most sketchy parts of the Old Testament to find the perfect scripture to show my good friend the error of his ways. My master plan was in motion.

The next morning, my friend came to school like any other day, and opened his locker...

...and out poured a bunch of tiny scraps of paper. Each tiny scrap of paper had a scripture reference written on it.

All the scraps of paper had the same reference, over and over again. In case any of you were curious, here is the full verse:

"22 Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination."

In my childish mind, I had done the right thing. I had shown this poor young man God's supposed opinion of him and his sinful ways, in the most passive aggressive way I could think of. I went about my day feeling all warm and fuzzy inside for having done the Right Thing. 

But after a little while, things started to go a little differently than I would have liked...

Throughout the day, people who I had thought were my friends came up to me and called me names, pushed me around.

"Bigot!" they said.

"You should be ashamed of yourself!" they shouted.

"How dare you!"

"Jerk! Mean! Heartless! Bad friend!"

...and a lot of other things I won't say here because this is a family-friendly blog.

I was upset, but not too terribly shocked. I was certain I had done the Right Thing, and now I was being persecuted for my religion. I knew it would happen. You heard stories about it all the time. It was all part of being a Mormon and standing up for your beliefs. 

...but all of a sudden I didn't feel so good about myself.

I left school that day crying, because it felt like the whole world had turned against me. I don't remember what time of year it was, but in my mind it was winter, because I felt so cold and sad inside. It felt like the whole school hated me, and I could feel their glares on my back and I ran for the bus.

That day, I felt like I truly knew what it was like to be bullied.

Now... let's take a moment to pause and examine this story. 

Years later, I looked back on this experience and remembered how terrible I had felt that day. But as I got older and smarter, I looked back and imagined how my poor friend must have felt.

...and I realized that I was the bully.

It's not easy to confess something like that, especially not in middle school. I recently watched a TED Talk by a woman who was lesbian, and she talked about coming out of the closet. She explained that for someone who is gay, coming out is one of the hardest things they will ever do. But she also said that gay, straight, black, white, brown, tall, or short, we all have closets. Maybe our closet is telling our parents we are dropping out of college. Maybe it's telling your boyfriend you're pregnant. Maybe it's telling your children you're getting a divorce. Maybe it's telling your friends and family you have cancer. Maybe it's joining another religion even though you know your family will reject you and you'll lose a lot of friends. Whatever it is, these things are HARD. They are so hard! And that young man had the courage to tell people when he was just a child, and I spit in his face. Not only that, I publicly humiliated him in the name of my religion. IN MIDDLE SCHOOL.

So, I hope that young man reads this, and knows how deeply, truly sorry I am that tweenage Jackie was such an idiot. I hope he can accept my hundreds of apologies and forgive me for the terrible stupidity of that act. I also hope he realizes how many people stood up for him that day, and defended him against such a mean, heartless little girl during that sensitive period of his life.

And I hope everyone else reads this and realizes that bullying is NEVER ACCEPTABLE, regardless of the cause, or whether you're right, or whether you've been taught that it's alright to do things like that.

IT.

IS.

NEVER.

OK.

And I'm not just talking atomic wedgies and swirlies. I'm not just referring to childish, hurtful nicknames or taunting jeers. 

I mean excluding, rejecting, or ridiculing someone because of their life choices. I mean grownup adults treating other adults with disdain or disgust because of the way they look or think or act. We are taught from a very young age to be a certain way, and those behaviors are perpetuated across generations, because people don't just stop and think about what they're doing. 

People always talk about what we can do to stop bullying, and about how it has become such a big problem in our society and for our children. 

To those people, I have the perfect solution:

STOP. BEING. BULLIES.

I'm going to say it again.

STOP BEING BULLIES!

I'm not saying I'm perfect, by any means. I am probably the worst about teasing people for fun. I pick on my poor husband, my sisters, my friends, my coworkers... But I've been thinking a lot about it lately, and with the whole gay marriage thing in the spotlight, bullies have been coming out of the woodworks like crazy. 

I don't want to be bullied, and I'm sure you don't either. But when we say things like "their lifestyle is disgusting" or "people like that shouldn't be allowed in public" or "God hates those people," we are being bullies just as much as that big kid at recess who hangs kids from the coat hooks by their underwear. Probably worse, because Indian burn goes away eventually, but those sorts of emotional scars drive kids to suicide. How would you feel knowing that something you said to someone, or even a look you gave them, drove that person to take their own life?

The absolute worst part is, if we act a certain way as adults, young children will see those things and then perpetuate them across another generation! We always hear stories of how mean and nasty kids are at school, but they certainly weren't born mean. We can blame it on the media and the decline of society, but it all starts in the home. I don't have children myself, but I have siblings and cousins, and I recently was called to be a leader of young women in my branch. I hope each and everyone one of those girls sees this and takes it to heart.

Let's go back to my story for a moment. A few years later, another, even closer friend of mine came to me one day. We had been inseparable for years, and we had stayed close even when we went away to different colleges. One night, we were sitting in his car, and he confessed to me that he too was gay. 

To be completely honest, it came as kind of a shock to me, but this time, all I said was "Okay?"

He told me that he had been so afraid to tell me because he thought I would hate him, or that I wouldn't want to be friends anymore. But I realized at that moment, that it didn't matter what I thought about homosexuality, or what was or was not sin, or even if it grossed me out. Because I loved him, and he was my friend, and that was all that mattered. The fact that he was gay didn't change the fact that he was still him, and we were still us, and that was that.

(Unrelated note, I screwed this situation up pretty hard core too, but it had nothing to do with bullying. But I'm still sorry about that, too.)

Anywho, that brings me to my final point:

It doesn't matter what you think.

Let me say that one more time in case you didn't get it.

IT. DOES. NOT. MATTER.

Do you think homosexuality is gross? That doesn't matter. Do you think all Muslims are terrorists? Screw you, dude, it doesn't matter what you think. Are you worried that that black man is going to steal your purse? Shut up, it doesn't matter.

I read another interesting article by a gentleman who was not Mormon about what Mormons believe. It was a surprisingly positive take on how we should approach issues of morality. You should definitely read it when you get a chance, but to summarize the author points out that the basic premise of all Mormon belief is agency. The whole reason we are here on this earth today, according to Mormon theology, is because we fought for our right to choose for ourselves, rather than be chosen for.

So why would we presume to make that choice for others?

We all have our own opinions and ideas and beliefs, and that's GREAT! That's what makes people who they are, and it's awesome! We should embrace our individuality, and focus on bettering ourselves in a positive way, rather than trying to make ourselves feel better by making others seem worse. 

If you think about it, making others feel worse to make yourself feel better is a great way to bring the societal average down. 

Here's a math lesson! 

If you feel 60% good, but another person feels a whopping 65% good, and then you tell them they're going to hell for voting Democrat and they feel 15% worse, that leaves them at only 50% good feelings. Hooray you, you're the best at 60% good! But if you think about it, now the average between the two of you is only 55%.

Now imagine you feel 60% good, and they feel 65% good, and you tell them that you like their shoes. Now they feel 5% better because of your nice complement, and you feel 5% better for having given a complement! On top of that, you get another 5% happiness bonus for having ignored something negative that you may have disagreed with, and instead focused on the positive. Now you're both at 70% good feelings, and the world is a slightly happier place!

It's New Year's this week, y'all. It's a time for making resolutions about weight loss that we all know we'll never keep, and celebrating the year that has passed without losing those 10 lbs you resolved to lose last year. I'm gonna go ahead and challenge everyone reading this to make a real resolution that we can all hopefully keep. I'll refer you to my earlier statements:

STOP BEING BULLIES.

And of course, remember:

IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK.

I want to be a better person this year. I wish I could have been a better person last year, and the year before that, and all those years ago when I acted like a douche and probably really hurt someone's feelings. Unfortunately, though, time is linear and I can't go back in time and change things. If I could, I would punch Younger Jackie in the face so hard.

And one more thing...

If I ever see or hear about someone I know or love bullying someone, I'm gonna be super pissed. It's hard, I know, but let's all make an effort to be a little better. If you slip up, realize where you went wrong and apologize. 

If it helps you, have someone else that you trust call you out on your BS. I said something kinda mean at work the other day and one of my coworkers was cool enough to pull me aside and say "Hey, I know you thought that was funny, but just be careful because you might hurt someone's feelings, and I know you wouldn't want to do that." And you know what? It was so embarrassing. I felt awful. But it was GREAT! Because now I know that the things I said may have been construed as mean, and I can be more sensitive to other people. We can all help each other be better. 

Finally, if I ever catch you bulling someone without remorse, or just for bullying' sake, I will punch you. 

Be afraid. 

But mostly be nice for niceness's sake. 

Love, Jackie.