So, here's a sad story.
Once upon a time, I was very young, and then I turned 14 or so and put on like 40 pounds overnight. Which, I'll admit, wasn't that big of a deal since I was a tiny human being to begin with. That's not the sad part. After that, I stayed at the same size... forever.
But then, TRAGEDY STRUCK! I got married!
Okay, that wasn't tragic. What's tragic is the thing that happens to everyone (apparently) after they get married: I started putting on weight again.
My mind was totally blown, because for the past six plus years of my life I had eaten whatever and not changed size at all, except maybe a couple pounds of variation. Seriously, I'm not kidding, there was a point in my life where I ate almost exclusively Doritos, ice cream, and boxed pasta for four months and barely gained an ounce.
So now it's a new year, and aside from my resolution to be less of a jerk, I also resolved to lose the pooch I've put on since my wedding. But here's the problem...
I'm SO LAZY, you guys.
No matter what I did before, I didn't gain or lose any weight, so I didn't really bother to exercise or eat people food. And I hate exercising! And I really hate being hungry!
I hope to lose at least all of the weight that I've gained since I've gotten married, since I apparently qualify as "overweight" now.
I did think of a pretty quick plan to lose some weight, but I don't really want to resort to extreme measures just yet.
So before we do anything drastic, I know some of you readers out there are fit/healthy people. What advice do you have for a twentysomething office drone who can barely climb the stairs to sit her lazy butt in her cubicle every day?
Here are some requirements for your specially tailored diet/exercise plan:
1. Jogging makes me want to die, so we definitely can't have any of that.
2. I probably will never go to the gym more than... twice. In my life. Seriously, I once paid for a gym membership for a year and didn't even go to that part of town.
3. I'm like frigging Paula Deen in the kitchen. Meaning I really like to cook and not much of my cooking is even sort of healthy.
4. I do not like being hungry. Admittedly, sometimes if I get too busy I can go for days without eating, but if I ever notice that I'm hungry, heaven help us all.
5. I have a bored-eating problem. Sometimes I'll look down and my desk will be covered in wrappers from candy I didn't even know I had. My mouth just needs something to do!
6. I'm pretty terrible at self discipline. I'll whine like you wouldn't believe, and I'm no good at following through on things on my own motivation.
So anywho, good luck with that! If you can find a way for me to lose 15-20 pounds without dieting, exercising, or making any sort of extra effort, you... uh... get to marry a princess. Or perhaps you get the key to the city. Or some sort of trophy. Yeah! I'll buy/make/acquire a trophy, and if you solve the riddle, I'll give it to you.
Let the games begin!
