10 Ways to...

It seems to me that, so often in life, there are troubling situations that we wish someone would simply tell us how to escape. Fortunately for you, I have the solution to all your problems. Today, we learn ten ways to avoid a nasty breakup using carefully practiced aversion techniques.

Number One: Don't start a relationship.

In much the same way as abstinence is the best birth control, the only surefire way of getting out of a bad breakup is not having someone to break up with. Apparently there are drawbacks to not being in a relationship, but from what I can tell, the benefits far outweigh the risks.
Ratings are as follows...
Effectiveness: 6/5
Mercy: 5/5
Practicality: 5/5

Number Two: Fake your death.

Perhaps your significant other will suffer immeasurable grief for a while, but that won't be your problem any more! This one would be kind of difficult to pull off though, and you can't exactly selectively fake your death. You're either dead to everyone or you're dead to no one.
Effectiveness: 3/5
Mercy: 3/5
Practicality: 2/5

Number Three: Actually die.

It could be a car accident or armed robbery, either way you get to taste sweet freedom again. Not only that, this method has the added benefit of freeing you from taxes, nasty relatives, sucky jobs, and school. However, a drawback to this method is the whole part where you're dead.
Effectiveness: 5/5
Mercy: 3/5
Practicality: 1/5

Number Four: Have a horrifying and contagious disease.

"Honey, I just thought you should know, I just got back from the doctor and I found out I have cholera. Also ebola." I tell you right now, it works every time! I'd like to see you convincing someone that you still want to kiss them when you are fairly certain that doing so will result in your slow and incredibly uncomfortable death. Some horrifying virus suggestions include ebola, herpes, mono, etc.
Effectiveness: 4/5
Mercy: 4/5
Practicality: 4/5

Number Five: Become less attractive.

Not only does this method rid you of that obnoxious tagalong you can't seem to shake, but it also gives you the opportunity to stop wasting time on manners, grooming, and hygiene! Now you have far more time to do more important things, like become a Twi-hard, collecting cats, or extensive scrapbooking.

Effectiveness: 3/5

Mercy: 3/5

Practicality: 2/5

Number Six: Talk about babies all the time.

Nothing scares off a commitment-phobic young man like talk of settling down and starting a family. The execution is simple enough, all you have to do is let out a longing sigh every time you pass a mother and baby in the park, look at baby clothes when you're together at the mall, talk about what your children would look like if you reproduced, pick out names, things like that. Do it enough and it's sure to drive him insane, even if he didn't mind the idea of children in the first place.
Effectiveness: 3/5
Mercy: 4/5
Practicality: 4/5

Number Seven: Get a pet that he's horribly allergic to.

The best part of this option is that once you've chased away your dead weight, you have a furry new friend to keep you company in the days to come! Perhaps a very, very, VERY furry friend, depending on how long you want it to take for your man to give up on the relationship or get hospitalized, whichever comes first.
Effectiveness: 4/5
Mercy: 2/5
Practicality: 4/5

Number Eight: Become really, really high maintenance.

This option could take a short time or a long time, depending on whether your man leaves because he's tired of buying crap for you, or he runs out of money. Of course, there is always the possibility that it could NOT end up working, but if that were to happen, at least you end up with a constant source of presents.
Effectiveness: 3/5
Mercy: 2/5
Practicality: 5/5

Number Nine: Become a nun.

If you're the religious type, more power to you. But at least if you become a nun, he has God to deal with.
Effectiveness: 4/5
Mercy: 4/5
Practicality: 3/5

Number Ten: ...magic.

Hey, it worked for those princesses! Well, it worked in reverse. I'm sure it goes both ways, though.
Effectiveness: 5/5
Mercy: 2/5
Practicality: 1/5